


Why do you love me?

by telling_you_stories



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Feelings, Light Angst, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:01:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24515806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/telling_you_stories/pseuds/telling_you_stories
Summary: As Catra thinks of all the terrible things she's done, she struggles to understand why Adora loves her. Adora thinks that's a question worth a thoughtful answer.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 264





	Why do you love me?

**Author's Note:**

> Healthy relationships take a lot of work and honest communication in the best of circumstances, and Adora and Catra aren't the best of circumstances. They're going to have an awful lot to process - and what better place to start than why they're in a relationship at all.

Adora sighed in exhausted bliss. Her body ached pleasantly. Though she was discovering her skill for battlefield strategy transferred relatively well to post-war reconstruction logistics, she still relished the days when she got to leave the planning tables at Bright Moon behind and go _do_ something. Today had been one of those days: she'd used SheRa's strength to move stones to rebuild a retaining wall around a nearby village that had been destroyed by Horde Prime's bots.

She lay stretched out in bed, starfished across as much of the space as possible. She had to admit that Catra had been right to insist on an upgrade from her previous narrow soldier's cot. Her lover was much more compact. Curled up beside her, Catra had her back against Adora's side, her head pillowed on Adora's arm, and her tail loosely curled around Adora's neck. Adora rubbed her chin on the soft fur – having Catra so close to her still felt like an impossible dream come true.

After the day's exertions, Adora had eaten multiple helpings of dinner with enthusiasm, but her thoughts were already turning to breakfast. She wondered what would be on the menu – and hoped it was pancakes. While she gleefully devoured almost every kind of food she'd encountered after leaving the Horde's bland, formless rations behind, pancakes were definitely in her top ten. Catra's tastes were a little more finicky, but Adora still loved watching her try new foods and felt a glow of reflected happiness in Catra's surprise and delight when she discovered something that suited her palate. But what about pancakes? Adora couldn't remember if Catra had tried pancakes yet.

As kids they'd spent many late nights in the Fright Zone having whispered conversations under the blankets, giggling and shushing each other. Adora had savored the intimacy then, and now she smiled in anticipated pleasure at being able to resume the habit.

"Hey Catra," she whispered, "are you awake?"

Catra sniffled, and said thickly, "Yes."

"Catra?" Adora said, her happiness turning quickly to concern. She sat up and gently dislodged Catra from her arm, noticing with dismay that her sleeve was damp. "Are you okay? What's the matter?"

Her lover curled up into a tighter ball, looking blankly at the wall across the room. Adora began stroking her back, worried. "Love? Talk to me. Please."

Catra sniffled again. Tears were running down her face as she said haltingly, "I was thinking about... all the terrible things I've done. How I've hurt people. What I did to you."

Adora stilled. It had only been a few weeks since they'd come back to Bright Moon, and so far she and Catra had mostly avoided talking about their recent past. Instead they'd focused mostly on reminisces from their childhood, or talking shyly but sappily about their love for each other. (They'd also spent plenty of time _not_ talking, and after a close call, Adora had cornered Glimmer for a firm conversation about not teleporting into their room without warning.) At some point, Adora knew, they'd have to face all the darkness of the past few years, but she had to admit she'd been avoiding it.

"Why are you thinking about that?" She moved her hand to Catra's short hair, running her fingers through it and along her long soft ears in the way she'd learned that Catra liked.

"That village today... There was so much damage. And there are so many other villages like it. So many people hurt, even killed, because of the choices I made." Catra began crying harder. "I'm a terrible person, Adora. What I've done... it's horrific. I deserve some sort of punishment for everything I've done... but instead I got what I always wanted." She screwed her eyes shut. "Why do you even love me, Adora? Why are you with me?"

Adora was silent for a long time. She continued stroking Catra's head, drawing warmth and strength from the contact even as she felt Catra grow tense with waiting. Adora hated to cause her lover pain, but she knew the question deserved as honest a response as she could give.

Finally, choosing her words carefully, she said, "They're two different things."

"What?"

"Why I love you, and why I'm with you. They're two different things." Adora tugged at Catra's shirt. "Come on, look at me."

Catra obliged, sitting up to face Adora with her legs pulled up to her chest with her arms and tail wrapped around them. She looked Adora in the eyes, but otherwise was as closed off as Adora had ever seen her.

Adora reached out to put her hand on Catra's leg. "I've always loved you. Always. Ever since we were kids, and you were always there for me. Things would get bad but... you could always make me laugh. You made me feel happy. With you around, I knew that there was something worth living for besides the Horde, and training, and becoming a Force Captain. You..." Adora struggled to find the words to express what she meant. "You were like... that feeling of climbing onto the roof and watching the sunset. Fresh air. A window to a world that was bigger than just moving up the ranks."

Catra sat quiet and listening, as Adora continued, "And you always loved me for _me._ I never had to do anything, or achieve anything, to earn your love. You just wanted me to be myself. Not like..." Adora hesitated.

"Shadow Weaver." Catra finished, and winced. The name was still a punch in the gut to both of them.

"Yeah." Adora looked down, and set aside the complicated knot of feelings twisting in her stomach. Time enough to untangle that later – for now, she focused on Catra. "Not like her. Never like her. You were my home base. I knew you'd care about me no matter what I did, or didn't, become, and that I could always come back to you."

Except for when she couldn't. Adora didn't say it out loud, but she saw Catra's face darken and her ears flatten as she thought again about how she'd cut herself off from Adora.

"So. That's why I love you. But why I'm with you?" Adora reached out to touch Catra's face, wiping away her tears on her thumb. "That's a whole different story. Love..." She sighed. "Love isn't enough, on its own. You know, I never stopped loving you. Never. Not after I left the Horde, not after you turned against me, not when you were hurting my friends, not even when you opened the portal. But I couldn't..."

Adora kept her hand on Catra's face, but closed her eyes against the pain of the memories. "I couldn't have been with you then. I _wanted_ you, so badly, and it hurt me to see you in so much pain... and it hurt me even more to see you focus that pain on me. To know that you didn't see how I felt about you. That you wanted to tear the world to shreds just to get at me."

Catra pulled away from Adora, burying her face in her knees and covering her head with her arms. Though her face was hidden, Adora could still hear her sobs and see her body shaking. Her chest ached and for a moment she was frozen, caught between the agony of memories she'd been trying to avoid, and the present pang of seeing Catra in so much misery.

Finally, she reached out and gently pulled Catra's hands down, holding them in her own until Catra looked up at her again.

"But then..." Adora said softly, "you changed. You were so far gone that I thought I'd never see you again. But I was wrong. You came back to me."

Catra shook her head. "But I didn't. I didn't come back to anyone. I gave up. And then _you're_ the one who rescued _me_."

Adora leaned forward to wrap her arms around Catra. "I know, but that was afterwards. First... first you sent Glimmer back. And you apologized.

"You'd gone a long way down a dark path. To be honest, I think you'd started down it before I even found the sword. I don't... I don't know what would've happened if I'd never found the Rebellion, but even back in the Horde it felt like Shadow Weaver had finally started to split us apart. You were still there, but I wasn't sure if you'd always be there for me.

"And then for those years... those dark years." Adora realized she was crying too, and wrapped her arms around Catra even tighter, burying her face in Catra's shoulder. She continued, slightly muffled, "I loved you _so much._ Still. But I thought I'd lost you. It was like... you were dead, and something else with your face had taken your place. I didn't think I'd ever see the Catra I knew again.

"And then that day. When I heard your voice that day in space... heard you say 'I'm sorry'... it was like you'd come back to life."

Adora's legs were cramping up, so she shifted position to sit beside Catra, keeping her arm around her shoulders. "And then I watched you climb out of that dark place. I know it wasn't easy. I wanted you to come back so badly, but I was scared to help you. Scared that you'd just run away again –"

Through her tears Catra laughed bitterly. " _You_ were scared _I'd_ run away."

"I was." Adora shook her gently. "And... well, you _did_. You'd come back so far – I could feel you opening up to me, being so... so _honest_ , and I'd almost thought you were ready to admit how you felt – almost thought that you'd decided to keep me in your life... and then you left me."

" _I'm so sorry."_ Catra finally uncurled herself from her ball to bury her face in Adora's chest. Almost instantly, Adora felt the tears soaking through her shirt.

"But Catra." Adora pulled Catra up to face her again. "Then _you came back._ " She kissed her gently, holding Catra's face in both her hands as she wiped away her tears. "You came back to me. _For_ me. Not for SheRa. Not because the world needed me. Not because of the Heart. For _me._ And finally... I finally saw my Catra again. The one who sees me for me. Not for what I could do. Not for what I could give to you. Just... me, for who I am.

"And... you've stayed." Adora kissed Catra again softly, and smiled. "All this time. The war is over. There's no one left to fight against. You could've taken your place among the princesses as a hero, the great Catra who saved SheRa and the world. You could've decided that ... that you had gotten me and your work was done. But... you haven't. I've seen it. You're still working to be better. To be the version of you that _you_ can love. Just like I've loved you all this time."

"I have to." Catra seemed finally to be out of tears. She rested her head on Adora's shoulder. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve _any_ of this. Everyone..." She sighed. "Everyone was so ready to forgive me. I've done such horrible things and you all forgave me anyways."

Adora shook her head. "You're not the only one who's done things she regrets. Look at Scorpia... Entrapta... her Hordaks... even Glimmer. Me, too – there are things I did that I can't stop thinking about, wishing I'd done them differently. Better. The war was an ugly time."

"But no one was as bad as me. I don't –" Catra rubbed her eyes. "I _want_ to be a better person, Adora. I want to feel like I belong here. Like I _am_ a hero, and not just some... wannabe, tagging along with the _real_ heroes of the Rebellion."

"Ha," Adora said. "Now you know how I feel. I'm not perfect, you know."

Catra grinned weakly. "I know. I've seen you try to fold socks." But then she frowned. "But you're so... good. You're always trying to fix your mistakes, to make everything better. You keep working to be a better version of yourself."

"You dummy." Adora smiled. "That's exactly what _you've_ been doing." She kissed Catra's forehead. "And that's why I'm with you. Because you decided to be better. And that's... that's what love is."

"What?" Catra looked genuinely puzzled.

Adora put her hands back in Catra's hair. She was starting to appreciate that running her hands through its fluffy softness soothed her as much as it soothed Catra. "Caring for someone because of who they are. Love isn't... it's not something you earn. It's not payment due for services rendered. It's not measured out according to a scale. It's faith, and trust, and forgiveness. It's seeing someone for who they are now, and who they're trying to be, not just what they've done."

"Adora..." Catra looked into her eyes.

"And besides, you make me better."

"What??"

Adora grinned. Catra wasn't usually so lost for words. "With you back in my life, it's easier to remember... that 'I'm worth more than what I can give to other people.'" Adora smiled sadly, remembering Mara's words to her. "It's funny. Being with you makes me remember to be selfish sometimes. You make me remember what _I_ want, and that I should put myself first sometimes. Because what I want... is you."

Adora cupped Catra's face in her hands, and kissed her. With a last sob, Catra finally gave in, kissing Adora back and wrapping her arms around her. Their faces were both damp and sticky, and their kisses tasted of salt, but they took comfort in each other's touch.

After a few long minutes, Catra sat back and scrubbed the edge of her sleeve across her eyes. She hiccuped, and admitted, "I think I need a glass of water."

Adora nodded. "Me too. And, maybe a snack."

Catra smiled, finally. "Of course you do. Should we go raid the kitchen?"

Grinning, Adora rolled off the bed and pulled Catra to her feet, both of them a little unsteady after the tears and emotions. "Yes, please." With her hands on Catra's shoulders, she gave her lover a long look, and added seriously, "I love you so much. All I've ever wanted is for us to be together. I know..." she sighed. "I know we have a lot to work through. From the war, from our childhoods... We've got stuff to work through together, and stuff we're going to need to work through separately. It's going to be hard. But," and she smiled again, "It's going to be worth it. Because it means we'll get to be together."

"Oh, Adora." Catra threw her arms around Adora's neck and buried her face in her shoulder with a small laugh. "You always have been one for hard work." She pulled back and kissed Adora softly. "I love you, too. And I will. Always.... Now come on, Let's put something in that bottomless pit you call a stomach."

"Okay," Adora said, threading her fingers between Catra's. "I hope we find something tasty. Oh! That reminds me – have you tried pancakes yet?"

"Pancakes?" Catra cracked the door open and looked up and down the hallway to check for guards, then remembered – it wasn't like anyone was going to stop two heroes of the Rebellion from walking around the castle, even in the middle of the night. She opened the door the rest of the way and stepped boldly out. "I don't think so. What's a pancake?"

Adora squeezed her hand. "Oh, I can't wait for you to find out."


End file.
